A source close to the tea party movement has revealed one of the group’s more sinister aims, and it is striking fear into the heart of all Americans. In this exclusive story, it can now be revealed that the tea party is taking aim at the alphabet itself.
Our source revealed that this secret and shocking piece of the tea party agenda is their true motivation and goal, and that the other issues, such as the constitutionality of laws, the issue of taxpayer funds being used in the TARP bailout package, and the movement’s stance against the “cap and trade” programs are mere window dressing for the goal of throwing out the current order of the letters in the alphabet.
“The current order of the letters in the alphabet is beyond ridiculous. It is appalling that we have been shackled to one system of letter arrangement for all these centuries. We need to modernize it, and find a better way,” says party spokesperson Lucy Smothers. “Frankly, this is a plan that will create jobs. Think of all the software patches, re-filing and re-organizing that will have to be done. Why, even musicians will benefit, as we will need a new alphabet song so people can learn to do their filing in the new system.”
Unfortunately, even on this key issue, there is disagreement on the best replacement for the aging letter-infrastructure.
One segment of the group believes that the consonants should be arranged first, in order of frequency of use, followed by the vowels in frequency order. Some believe the vowels should come first, followed by the consonants, and still others argue that the order should be simply letter frequency, leaving the new alphabetical order as: ETAOINSRHDLUCMFYWGPBVKXQJZ.
A number of perople outside the tea party think that the letters should be arranged in a more aesthetic fashion, with some of the more homely letters hidden next to their more attractive neighbors. This approach has frustrated many, as this is a matter of taste, and there are a surprising number of letter-loyalists who have widely varied opinions on the issue of letter attractiveness.
“This is a ridiculous conversation. Should it, by the slimmest chance, even come to fruition, it will cost billions of dollars to implement. There’s nothing wrong with the current order,” says Martin Kaemmerling, a linguist. “It’s a non-issue, and I don’t think voters can possibly care about this. Frustration over the Washington establishment is one thing, this is quite another. Change for change’s sake is beyond pointless when we’re talking about something so fundamental as the alphabet. How has the alphabet ever been controversial?. The world is quite happy with the current system of letters. To attack our abcedarian method is a trivial waste of much more than time.”
abecedarian (ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn) - adj. 1) arranged in alphabetical order, 2) elementary, basic, rudimentary.